"DMs are Open", and so is my writing process, heart and snack cupboard

In which I share a table of silly words, and my furry notebook.

As part of my renewed vigour for writing and making something creative of myself¹, I'm submitting sketches to the latest BBC Radio open door sketch show, DMs Are Open. On three Thursdays in January at 7pm, they will announce two one-word themes that will apply to two episodes of the show, to be aired in March. So three times, for a six episode run. The general public are welcome to submit one comedy sketch of less than three pages for each theme/episode, i.e. two sketches a week. And when I say general public, that’s how the show describes it, which makes me laugh. I imagine it is people hoping to make their way into a comedy career, rather than just any one who accidentally fills in the template with no thought or care (though I imagine there is some comedy gold to be mined by someone with that complete freedom).

It turns out that even this low level of commitment to deadlines and writing is completely captivating and quite exhausting. That coding day job I now have takes up 8 hours a day, 5 days a week (though lunchtime is often co-opted for redrafting or ideas generation) and then there’s the commitments of real life, such as playing towel catch² with my daughter before bathtime, daily Cosmic Kids³ yoga sessions, and the washing up.

Writing two sketches in six evenings and a few lunchtimes took some planning, and I wondered if my process would be of interest to all of you, along with some of the ideas, fragments and lines that didn’t quite make it. Opening up my process to you all and seeing how insanely different or annoyingly similar it is to anyone else should be fun.

I’m not planning to share the final sketches here, at least not until after the series airs. Although the rights for all of my submissions remain mine, it feels like tempting fate to have the real submitted sketches anywhere but the vaults of the BBC Uploader. If they are out in the open for the world to see before the team at “DMs are Open” assess my suitability for my lifelong dream, they might just crumble to dust. Both the sketches and my dreams.

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So, here’s how it all went down. The production team ran a webinar on Thursday 9th January at 7pm to explain the show, what they’re looking for and announce the first two themes. These are “Help” and “Secret”. For the next two weeks, the themes will just go live on the website and on X⁴. I took notes throughout the hour, and wrote them up for a friend who couldn’t attend that session but is my feedback and submit buddy, and a good way to provide a little bit of extra accountability⁵.

The notes are in this excellent new notebook that I got for Christmas. It’s a great choice, because how could I resist that grumpy, fuzzy face when I’m contemplating leaving writing until tomorrow…

I have to write my notes two sizes too small

So, after the webinar I wrote the themes at the top of two facing pages, and wrote down all of my initial thoughts. Having done this sort of thing before, I did have a heading of “Obvious Thoughts (Avoid)” and then “Ideas”. I present them to you now.

“Help”

Obvious (Avoid)

1. Customer Service Line

2. The Beatles

3. Carer

4. Standed/rescue

Ideas

1. Acronym (for unhelpful organisation)

Later in the process, when I still assumed this was my best idea, I made a table.

I hope this brings you as much joy as I got from writing it

The next day at lunchtime, when I realised I should generate at least ONE more idea for the theme, I came up the SECRET ACTUAL IDEA and “Insomnia Assistance - SleepWatchers”, which may have another life in Fancy Falls in the future.

“Secret”

Obvious (Avoid)

1. Affair

2. Can you keep a secret?

3. Going to propose

4. Spies/Secret Service

Ideas

1. Monster/ghost “I’m a troll/ogre/goblin” → WHAT DOES IT MEAN FOR LIFE

2. “I’ve got a secret…” “Other family/bank account/dungeon?” “No, toe. It’s not on my foot”

3. Secret Menu item?

The SECRET ACTUAL IDEA is sort of a development of number 1 that I’m very happy with.

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So on Friday, Saturday, Sunday and Monday nights, after my daughter’s 8pm bedtime, I wrote. One sketch each on the first two nights, then redrafts of both on Sunday and Monday, based on feedback from Rachel Woolly, Hari Kanth and the aforementioned writing friend Katy Edelsten. I submitted both sketches, after a quick and final polish, on Tuesday lunchtime. I celebrated by eating four hotdogs and three slices of Maasdam cheese on a sourdough baguette with Moxie Mustard⁶, and reading a few more pages of Michael Palin’s latest diaries⁷ .

It’s worth mentioning that my commitment to avoiding snacks and eating well is the first thing to fly out of the window when I’m engaged in writing. Let’s generously assume I need the calories for my creative juices. I have less of that excuse from my American trip for Christmas, where I also rather bypassed my calorie count that would maintain my weight. Maybe I was just enjoying life? I was, and am. I am happy to focus on food and healthy eating when it can float up a priority list.

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I’m absolutely delighted to have written these sketches, and to have shared the process of doing so. Regardless of the outcome on the show itself⁸, I’ll have six sketches that I can share and record myself for Fancy Falls. That’s another promise to you all.

Footnotes

1. Having achieved something “stable career with prospects” of myself with the Nationwide Technology Development Programme in 2022.

2. One towel, two players, one of whom is terrible at catching towels and clowns about with missing it, making it land on their head etc. I’m the clown.

3. I believe this channel was a major success during the pandemic, and it was recommended to me by my physio dealing with shoulder pain (possibly related to playing Quasimodo for four months in a touring show). It’s a lovely active thing to share with my daughter after work. I prefer the 15-20 minute sessions, whereas my daughter focusses only on the theme and they tend to be the 30 minute ones. Moana, Frozen and Trolls are our current go-to’s.

4. Yes, as with so many legacy media outlets, there’s no move away from what was Twitter to anything less borked (e.g. Bluesky). They addressed this in the webinar, in a “we know” sort of way.

5. Much like this public admission of my aims - hold me accountable lovely subscribers!

6. Moxie is a strange soft drink from Maine that I enjoy so much I have the hoodie and the t-shirt. I urge you to try it if you get the chance, and of course to use the phrase “That kid’s got Moxie” as often as you can.

7. I had forgotten how beautiful and perfect his diaries are - yes, it’s behind the scenes of comedy and TV, from a comedy legend, so it’s custom made for me, but it is also very honest and not shy of showing the insecurity and angst of being a successful creative person. I highly recommend all of the volumes and am trying to read this latest one slowly to savour it.

8. IF I make it to broadcast, which is a very slim chance given how many submissions they receive, I will hear comedy words that I’ve written on a BBC broadcast. My experiences up to now with the BBC are a comedy meeting with a producer that I was utterly delighted about - I still have the BBC visitor’s pass - but fizzled to nothing, two interviews on the Scottish news, a non-recorded heat for the BBC New Comedy Award 2011 and the Edinburgh episode of Jedward's Big Adventure.