Autobiogra-failure

Behind My Scenes, a post as part of the Smallstack Seed Pod on Failure

The following post is part of a Seed Pod collaboration about failure. Seed Pods are a SmallStack community project designed to help smaller publications lift each other up by publishing and cross-promoting around a common theme. We’re helping each other plant the seeds for growth!

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Failure is a large part of my life. I even failed to correctly write the word failure in my notebook when generating ideas and had to score it out.

So I thought I would attempt an autobiography of failures that have brought me to this point in my life. In doing this, I have also failed to come up with a very original idea for this Seed Pod (see the note to myself - OVERDONE). But, as we’ll discover, failure is simply a fact of life, a matter of perspective and can lead to great things, blah blah blah just get the first draft done then we can watch some TV, alright?

This list is clearly not exhaustive, but is possibly exhausting¹.

Failure 1 - Must Do Science

I was, and remain at root, a quiet little boy. Never caused any trouble, except perhaps as an older brother to my younger sister. This was in the usual ways - hitting her with a cushion to make her play with me while she was ill, endlessly taunting her with my Ghostbusters water gun during the summer, and achieving a very good academic record so she had to find her own niche.

On that academic record, I was always an attentive and studious little twerp with the top grade in every test, piece of work and exam (except one Geography mock exam in 3rd or 4th year where I didn’t get the top grade, but that’s because no-one really needs to care about where countries are, unless you’re in them). This was across the spectrum of subjects, from the boring ones of science and maths, to the good ones of languages and art and to a lesser extent, music².

I now happily tell anyone who’ll listen (thanks for subscribing) that what I care about most in the world is comedy writing and television. But back then, I was too easily swayed by the merest mention of “future career prospects” and “expectations” that I ended up neglecting and foregoing my artistic side.

And somehow, I ended up studying Mathematical Physics at Edinburgh. I failed to express my heart’s desire, and ended up rather unfulfilled and miserable for a few years. A further failure was completing a First Class masters, thanks to my innate stubbornness.

Another View - The Success

I have a grounding in logic and analysis that helped me to create exciting and fun escape games, and eventually find a fulfilling career in software development while I support my family and work on the comedy and TV stuff.

Failure 2 - Watching

During my university studies, I was full to the brim of joy when watching TV or films but stopping short of doing anything like that myself. That wasn’t who I decided other people thought I should be. I was stuck in a rut of assumptions about what was possible. It took a lot of arguments and a family bereavement to force me to seek out the Edinburgh Movie Production Society. I did end up making short films with other students and I was finally happy. And at the societies fair, I picked up a flyer for the TV watching society that would have let me fall back into consumption. Only, on the back of the flyer was a terribly drawn cat and a new society called “Comedy and That”³.

I found my real tribe in a tiny pub in Edinburgh, a bunch of people just as introverted and full of hopes for comedy creativity as me, only most of them were much louder and drank more. I wrote sketches and read them out with real people, performed to very few people in a pub basement, then slowly ended up filming the shows from behind the bar. My passion and drive seemed to be at an end and I settled for watching through a viewfinder.

Another View - The Success

I learned about film-making and editing, and watched a lot of people try things in comedy that I would later emulate or disregard. Then I made films that took me and my sketch group to California, and loved doing the Edinburgh Fringe five times.

Failure 3 - Canada

Yes, I failed at Canada. By late 2011 I had done full runs of Edinburgh Fringe sketch shows three times and was planning to travel. Montreal felt like the perfect place to head to. I liked languages and would need to be bilingual, it seemed to have a thriving arts scene, including a comedy festival, and I could get a Working Holiday Visa and just go and see what I could do.

But I didn’t go.

Another View - The Success

I travelled to Australia with a girlfriend of 9 months or so, who is now my incredible wife, best friend, and strongest team-mate in the history of everything.

Failure 4 - Acting

Over four months from October 2014 I travelled around the country performing a touring show. I was being paid to act and I was looking into meeting and auditioning for agents. Sure, the show was a touring pantomime in primary schools and I was spending more time moving sets and driving than acting, but it still counted.

And then I stopped.

Another View - The Success

I am an actor, even if I stopped pursuing it at that point. And I stopped acting to create a life with the lady mentioned in number 3, have a stable income and get married, and then have the best daughter a dad could hope for.

Failure 5 - Accountantcy

In 2022, I was stuck in a job that seemed perfect. It was half creative, writing stories and creating puzzles for escape games, and half project management, which I am quite good at because of a love of order and admin, in that order. But there was nowhere to go. So I looked back to my past, saw Mathematical Physics and remembered being told that finance or accountancy was where you earned the big bucks. I applied relentlessly to graduate schemes that claimed to be open to career changers/had no specific period of time after graduation and eventually secured a place at an international accountancy firm as an audit assistant.

I had failed to realise how awful the reality of training in accountancy is, the expectation that my entire life was forfeit and I would have no non-work time to call my own until the point where there was no relationship with my family, but by then I would certainly be earning a lot of money.

So I left.

Another View - The Success

I learned loads about Excel, and use those skills most days. Told you I was boring.

Also, I joined a development programme for technology, and found a real affinity with software development, where there is career progression but also work-life balance (if you choose a good employer).

Failure 6 - A Cool Short Story

My other idea for this post was a short story about a failed alien invasion - build up to the event, then cut to the aftermath. Probably us humans as the aliens going somewhere new. But you’ve got this post instead.

Another View - The Success

I can, and will, still write that story. Failure is a temporary state. Well, at least until the ultimate failure, not achieving immortality.

So there you have it, the story of me via a few of my failures. There seem to be some interjections about “Another View”, but I guess it takes all sorts to make a life.

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Televigion Update

Televigion is my personal devotion to the power of the screen; small, silver or otherwise.

I thought I’d include my regular section on what I’ve been consuming and how it relates to what I’m working on. So, this week’s thoughts are through the lens of failure.

Watching

• Daredevil: Born Again (Disney+) - I was a big fan of the original Daredevil series on Netflix, though it was certainly not perfect and often got bogged down in the wrong details of background and story. I was basically there for Charlie Cox and Vincent D’Onofrio, who are just as great in this reboot/return/retread, and are given a large and meaty scene together in the first episode (I haven’t watched more than one yet). It seems like this whole show is about their very interesting dynamic, and I’m up for that. I think the failure I am concerned about is the entire overworked and relentless Marvel machine of films and shows. Unfortunately all evidence points to no risks being taken with storytelling or outcomes, and no resolution just in case the characters are needed again in the future. In the past I would have been straight in on release day, but as it stands I held back and waited for positive word on whether it was worth starting. I think it is, if that helps anyone else.

• Win or Lose (Disney+) - A beautifully animated and written Pixar series, telling different point of view stories associated with a high-school age softball team. As I mentioned previously, the character of Kai as featured in episode 7 was intended to be trans (and was played by a trans actor who is sad about the changes) but any overt mention of this in the episode was removed at the request of Disney before release. As I mentioned in the note below, I think even without knowing of the controversy, I would have picked up that this was the intention with the character. The studio has failed the creators and performers involved, and the trans community, but the show itself is an incredible success of visual expression and comedy.

• Doctor Who The Collection Season 7 (Bluray) - I imagine that many people watching classic Doctor Who out of context for the first time, see nothing but failure. Creaky acting, unconvincing special effects and more than a little misogyny. But to be honest, I see all that, but also see the best efforts of storytellers, under intense pressure of time and budget, making a show that genuinely inspired a generation of children and adults. Some just to love sci-fi⁴; some to write or act; some to become scientists and presumably some to become time travellers. Why can I forgive the creaky acting? Because there is always at least one fantastic performance in an episode, mostly by the main cast. Why can I forgive the special effects? Because I’ve watched the people who made them in the behind the scenes material, and I’ve seen how much they cared about doing the best they could. I’ve also seen how honest they are about how it looks from a modern perspective. Why can I forgive the misogyny? Well, I can’t. But I celebrate the good moments for female characters and ignore the other bits as irrelevant. The third Doctor’s first companion Liz Shaw is actually a brilliant scientist and helps the Doctor, but is also prevented from joining in, or has to make the tea. Plus ça change.

Intending to Consume

• Black Mirror Season 7 (Netflix) - I saw this trailer announced by Charlie Brooker on Bluesky, and it looks like more of the same - is this a failure to innovate? This is fine by me. I’m always happy for whatever Charlie Brooker and team are trying to tell us about how awful humans are, because it (almost) never forgets about “having the comedy in”, the most vital part of drama for me. Also season 6 was pretty excellent - out of the five episodes I loved 2, enjoyed 2, didn’t enjoy 1.

• Poker Face Season 2 (Peacock/NowTV assuming no new UK deal since last time) - Season 1 of this fresh take on Columbo (not directly, but yes, really) was a perfect example of how to have me interested in a crime procedural⁵; make the mystery HOW it is solved, not whodunnit. And the hook, of a preternatural ability of the main character being able to tell when someone is lying, is beautifully close to a superpower, but also with enough weakness to be exploited for story and tension. “Which thing is a lie” and “why are they lying” are usually the more interesting follow up questions. Also, it’s Natasha Lyonne (and creator Rian Johnson), so each episode will always be full of charm and wit. I’m very excited for it to return.

Questions/Prompts

What are the failures that make up you?

What failures can you put up with in the media you consume?

Want to see more posts from this Seed Pod or join in on the fun? Head over to our roundup to learn more!

Footnotes

1. Even the self-deprecation is a failure of imagination, isn’t it? The easy route.

2. There was no drama or media studies around when I was there, so languages and art had to do. That is where my sister ended up, and is now very successfully forging her career.

3. Later The Edinburgh Revue, and still going strong.

4. A noble pursuit.

5. I’m sure that’s why they did it, for me and me alone.